THE TEN OFFICIAL & VERY SIMPLE
KINETIC SCULPTURE RACE RULES
A No.1. HOBART’S LAW OF KINETICS
Sculptures must be human-powered! No pulling, pushing, paddling, or other propulsive method is allowed except by Official Pit Crew and Pilots (sometimes called Kinetinauts). For non-propulsive purposes, stored energy is allowed. For propulsive purposes, any energy storage system requires advance approval by the Race Director, who will evaluate safety to all participants and spectators. Kinetinauts must propose and perform an iron-clad demonstration to the engineering judges that the system contains no energy at the starting line, and during the race all energy accumulated must be generated by human physical effort. It is legal to get assistance from the natural power of water, wind, sun, and gravity and friendly extraterrestrials.
A1a. LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS RULE
All Official Pilots, Pit Crew, and Barnacles in the race must accept and sign the waiver of all responsibility (Waiver Of All Responsibility Form). #1. IRS RULE Entry forms, waiver sheets and entry fees must be turned in by the proper deadline in order to receive any fringe benefits, like official stuff you need for the race.
1b. GEOMETRIC NEW MATH PRE-CALCULUS LAW OF PROPORTIONS
Each Sculpture must be no more than 8 feet wide, 13 feet high and 35 feet long while on the road or highway
1+. PERSONAL SECURITY RULE
Each Sculpture must carry at all times 1 comforting item of psychological luxury heretofore referred to as the “Homemade Sock Creature” (HSC). Homemade Sock Creature must be made in a home, from a not-too-recently-worn sock from the home, and resemble a creature homemade from a sock. (penalty: 1 hour)
2B. OR NOT TO BE
You may not start the race until you have passed THE Official Safety Inspection! Inspections will be handled by the Baltimore City Police Department, Baltimore City Fire Department, Dock Master, Ramp Master, Kinetic Kops, and/or the Kinetic Safety Check Committee, all of whom are tough cookies. Inspections will also be conducted at the water entry, and as needed along the race course.
The following SAFETY EQUIPMENT must be on board at all times.
Citations will be issued for lost equipment! (penalty: 1 hour)
Approved warning TRIANGLE
12”x12” Coast Guard approved LIFE PRESERVER, one for each person on board the sculpture in the water
Operable and functioning BRAKES
Affixed TOW RING, attached firmly to the front of the Sculpture close to the center, strong enough to heave the entire sculpture through and out of the water, mud, and other terrain
When your sculpture is on the water, 25 feet of TOW ROPE strong enough to pull your sculpture from the water must be readily accessible on the sculpture or in possession of a pit crew member stationed on the ramp or pier.
Drinking WATER (1 quart per pilot)
PADDLE or OAR
FIRST AID KIT containing band-aids and antibacterial cream or wipes
A CELL PHONE ready to receive urgent race-related calls—for which the number must be given to the race director
Each Pilot must have available an approved bicycle HELMET on the Sculpture. At your own risk, you may wear other PROTECTIVE HEAD GEAR including hard hats or batters’ helmets during the race.
2 +or-. TWO’S COMPANY RULE
Each Sculpture must have 1 or more Pilots. Each Pilot must have 1 human Pit Crew member. Each Sculpture may have up to 1 human Barnacle.
2.1 I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON LAW OF NATURE
All Law Enforcement orders must be followed in cases of hazardous conditions.
2bad. I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON LAW OF THE ROAD
All Law Enforcement orders must be followed and all Sculptures must follow the rules of the road. A Maryland Vehicle Code Violation resulting in a citation issued by an official law enforcement agent also carries a Kinetic penalty. (penalty: 1 hour)
2big2b4gotten. PACK MULE RULE
All special terrain equipment must be on board the Sculpture at all times. (penalty: 2 hours)
2C. SELF-EXPLANATORY EXPLANATION REGULATION
Your Sculpture must not be dangerous or harmful to yourself or anything else in the world. Projectiles such as arrows, anchors, and grappling hooks fall into this category and are not allowed.
2D or not 2D. MOM’S HIGH ANXIETY RULE
Make sure you can get out of your Sculpture in an emergency. Each Pilot must have a quick exit path. In addition, life jackets must be worn while on the water! You will not be allowed to begin a water crossing unless you are wearing a life jacket.
Go2. NO PUSHING AT START REGULATION
The Kinetic Sculpture race begins at AVAM with a LeMans start. Pit Crews or spectators are not to assist Pilots at the start. (penalty: 1 hour)
2go go. VARIATION ON A THEME OF NO PUSHING REGULATION
No pulling or pushing on Race course allowed except by Official Pit Crew and Pilots. Exception: in any Official-designated Push/Rope areas.
2 4/3. POETIC KINETIC LICENSE
Your Official Kinetic License Plate must be visible on your Sculpture at all times. The name of your Sculpture should be visible to spectators, the major TV networks, local TV Crews, glossy magazine writers, Kinetic Kops, Officials, Posse, and Judges.
3. GILLIGAN’S DRIFT LIMIT
The drift limit in the Harbor is to be set by the Coast Guard and/or Ramp Master. If you drift out of limits the Coast Guard or Posse will tow you back on course so as not to lose you to the High Seas. (penalty: 1 hour)
3D. DRAFT HOGGER REGULATION
No drafting of motor vehicles on land or water. (penalty: 1 hour)
4xoxo. KINETINAUT CODE OF CONDUCT
Harassment of Officials is disallowed. Officials are doing the best they can. If things are not going your way, take it personally—they are picking on you. Pilots, Pit Crews, and Officials will not involve themselves in incidents of kicking, biting, scratching, or fisticuffs. Anyone engaging in such outrageous activities is not honored, but disgraced. (penalty: 1 hour or Banishment)
4#@!%. HONK AND PASS POLITENESS LAW
Sculptures honked upon must yield right-of-way and pull aside at the first opportunity to allow faster moving sculptures to pass. Passing pilots should gesture or display an obligatory sign of gratitude.
5. THE ROSIE RUIZ RULE
All ACE Sculptures must stay on the course at all times. Only Official Kinetic Shortcuts allowed.
5A. MOTHER’S BIG : LITTLE RATIO
At least one adult Pilot (over the age of 18 and having signed a Waiver of All Responsibility) must be on board the Sculpture or part of the official Pit Crew accompanying the sculpture while traveling the course.
6. ARMAND’S ARM AND LEG LAW
To become an ACE Pilot and receive the title of Most Visionary Professor and other accolades, your sculpture must be ridden by all Pilots at all times over the entire course. Therefore, at no time (including water entry and exit) can your sculpture be pushed, pulled, or otherwise propelled along the course by Pilots and/or Pit Crew except in any designated “Legal Push/Rope” areas. Your Sculpture may be moved sideways or backwards, either by Pilots or Pit Crew or both to areas to perform repairs or to gain better course conditions or to clear the course. In addition, no gadgets, such as skis, snowshoes, boards, etc. attached to your feet will be considered part of the sculpture. (penalty: 3 hours)
7.007. REAL THING/RIGHT STUFF RULE
For the pilots on a sculpture to receive ACE status, no relief pilots will be allowed under any circumstances during timed competition. Pilots must stay with their Sculpture and are not allowed to ride on Pit Crew vehicle while Sculpture is progressing the course. In other words, you may not rotate pilots during the race. (penalty: loss of ACE status and 1-hour penalty)
7½. THE AGONY OF DE FEAT LAW: THE NO TOWING RULE
An ACE Sculpture must negotiate the course without assistance from any motorized vehicle. Receiving a tow suggests engineering improvements are required. Back to the old drawing board, and better luck next year! (exception: See rule 3, Gilligan’s Drift Rule)
8. THE DRUNK, DRANK, OR STILL DRINKING RULE
The consumption of alcoholic beverages or use of controlled substances by any pilot or Pit Crew member while on the course shall result in Banishment. It’s not nice, and besides it’s unsightly in the eyes of spectators who look up to Kinetic Sculpture People with awe and wonderment, and it’s against the law pertaining to all road negotiating vehicles and sculptures. Sculptures in violation of this rule will be confiscated by strict Race Officials. The same is true for any Sculpture carrying any alcoholic beverage container, whether full or empty, excepting empty containers picked up as litter. (penalty: Banishment)
8ball. 8% TOTAL BODY WETNESS RULE
Pilots are only allowed 8% total area of body/clothes wetness. The point here is to stay out of the Harbor waters. Therefore every effort should be made to keep bodies above the Harbor water line. Wear a good anti-perspirant. (penalty: 30 minutes)
9.00 ALWAYS TRUE RULE AND
ITS COROLLARY FOR THOSE WHO DON’T GET IT
In the event of sun, the race will run anyway. In the event of rain, the race will run anyway.
10M. MANDATORY FUN REGULATION!
All Pilots, Pit Crew members, Barnacles, Officials, Spectators, Police, Marine Posse, Timers, and Passersby must put great effort into HAVING FUN! for it is such craziness as this that keeps us all sane.
SPECIAL RULES, REGULATIONS, AWARDS BARNACLE BONUS
or optional collection of additional valuable advantages (usually a time bonus) non-powering humans (*Ages 18-100; with a minimum weight per barnacle of 93 pounds) can be carried aboard on a specially designed “seat” and may essentially be a “passenger” throughout the entire course. Barnacles may not be substituted and must sign the entry and waiver form. Barnacles may not in any way assist in the movement or propulsion of the sculpture and must stay seated while “clocked in” on the course. The Barnacle may direct and encourage the pilots by yelling and being an annoying backseat nudge, but must refrain from using really bad, ugly words. *BARNACLE UNDER 18 REQUIRES A NOTARIZED WAIVER.
THE INEVITABLE EVENTUALITY RULE
In the event the Official Race Course must be altered while the Race is in progress, Diverted Sculptures will receive an appropriate time adjustment (positive or negative) by a Race Official. If the detour is essentially the same as the closed route, then let’s forget the whole thing! In the event of a course change, course closures, or difficult timing problems, etc., Pilots must obey all alternative rules, timing, and course changes set into motion by Race Officials.